INTERGENERATIONAL GAY RELATIONSHIPS

Different, but not deficient. I recently had an opportunity to discuss with several men the issue of the relationships of younger gay men with older gay men. Although a rather small group of men, some of their insights were quite interesting, and their experiences were quite similar. These younger men expressed they had always had an attraction to men who are significantly older than they are. One said, that even as a teen, he not only knew that he was gay, but he also recognized that the men he was attracted to were much older. He said that his gay friends could not understand this attraction. He not only felt “different” because he was gay, but different from his gay friends as well. He felt a sense of isolation, even within the gay community. He also experienced a sense of rejection from the older men, who felt that he must be a “hustler,

” someone who could only be interested in them for what they might give him. They doubted that his attraction was sincere. Even when older, more successful and independent, his motivations were questioned. He said that much of his joy in the relationship was caring for the older man, in sexual and other ways, and not the reverse; he felt quite comfortable with his ability to take care of himself. As he got older, he continued to be interested in older men. Now past 60, he continues to be attracted to men much older. Another man of 65 expressed the same thing, saying with a laugh he’s attracted to men “just on the edge of entering the nursing home. ” Several of the younger men said that they only began to feel “normal” when they realized there were lots of other gay men who experienced this same inter- generational attraction. Some of the older men found these young men attractive, but doubted the interest of the younger man because they believed that at their age they could no longer be attractive to anyone. How easily we buy into stereotypes and resist letting go of them. We believe that what is true for one must be true of all. We don’t choose whom we fall in love with, nor can we ever explain it. What is true of some is only true for some, not all. Feeling normal often begins by finding others who are like us, and that we’re different, but not deficient.