INTERGENERATIONAL GAY RELATIONSHIPS

Different, but not deficient. I recently had an opportunity to discuss with several men the issue of the relationships of younger gay men with older gay men. Although a rather small group of men, some of their insights were quite interesting, and their experiences were quite similar. These younger men expressed they had always had an attraction to men who are significantly older than they are. One said, that even as a teen, he not only knew that he was gay, but he also recognized that the men he was attracted to were much older. He said that his gay friends could not understand this attraction. He not only felt “different” because he was gay, but different from his gay friends as well. He felt a sense of isolation, even within the gay community. He also experienced a sense of rejection from the older men, who felt that he must be a “hustler,

” someone who could only be interested in them for what they might give him. They doubted that his attraction was sincere. Even when older, more successful and independent, his motivations were questioned. He said that much of his joy in the relationship was caring for the older man, in sexual and other ways, and not the reverse; he felt quite comfortable with his ability to take care of himself. As he got older, he continued to be interested in older men. Now past 60, he continues to be attracted to men much older. Another man of 65 expressed the same thing, saying with a laugh he’s attracted to men “just on the edge of entering the nursing home. ” Several of the younger men said that they only began to feel “normal” when they realized there were lots of other gay men who experienced this same inter- generational attraction. Some of the older men found these young men attractive, but doubted the interest of the younger man because they believed that at their age they could no longer be attractive to anyone. How easily we buy into stereotypes and resist letting go of them. We believe that what is true for one must be true of all. We don’t choose whom we fall in love with, nor can we ever explain it. What is true of some is only true for some, not all. Feeling normal often begins by finding others who are like us, and that we’re different, but not deficient.

DIRTY MEN

In the popular culture, mature gay men are characterized as anxious and depressed, lonely and isolated, over-

sexed, and predatory of the young but rejected by them. These stereotypes persist even though repeatedly shown to be inaccurate. Several models for “coming out” have been described. Most start with an early sense of “difference. ” Next is experimentation with man on man sex, although initially considered “just sex,” not homosexual sex. The next step is coming out, i.e. public acknowledgement of being gay. This stage has become politicized so that some consider remaining closeted as ignorant, morally weak and shameful. Where these models become problematic, is that they suggest that the final stage of “stabilization/ commitment” can not occur with out public acknowledgement of one’s homosexuality. On the contrary, I have found that many men who are “passing” in the heterosexual world have made strong commitments in same sex relationships and do not wish to be part of “the gay scene.” For many mature men, the process of coming out, when it occurs at all, is much different. For example, men who have been married often begin to come out on average 10 years later than men who have never been married. Gay men have been described as: Stereotypical - closeted Passing - partitioning off their homosexual and heterosexual lives Affirmative - strong self-identification as gay This suggests that the only acceptable solution is to have a strong and public self-identification as being gay. Many mature men have careers and families in which oppression and threat of loss are considerable. Passing is adaptive and critical to avoid great loss, often real, sometimes imagined. Many have found that their sexual orientation was not central to their core self- identification. Although men as they grow older often have stronger self- identification as homosexual, they may prefer not to be referred to as gay. One man said to me, “I can’t be gay! I love my family and sports too much.” Research that focuses on “gay” men has excluded many men who have same sex attractions and sexual behaviors. Although the sense of difference and experimentation with homosexual behaviors appear to be a part of most gay men’s lives, it seems to me that the next stage in development is to de- construct the internal myths about homosexuality by a conscious re-evaluation of those values given to us by family, religion and society. Then one can re-construct a value system, internally based, on a much more personal choice of what it means, as Erickson described, to have an inherent sense of goodness and a life which is perceived as meaningful. Once that process is complete, a man can open himself to a committed relationship with another man. Gay society and society at large must recognize that there is not one normative life course. What is true about all mature men who experience a sexual attraction toward other men, is that there is nothing true about all of them.

WILLFULL IGNORANCE

“How could you not know that you were gay until you were 40!

” I’m asked this question frequently, particularly by disbelieving men who have “always known.” But I was totally ignorant. James P. Carse, in The Religious Case against Belief, describes three kinds of ignorance: Ordinary Ignorance Willful Ignorance Higher Ignorance Ordinary Ignorance Ordinary ignorance is a lack of knowledge, and is common to all of us. It is knowledge about something which could be known, but may be of little use or interest. For example, “Where was the hottest recorded temperature in the world? ” If I wanted to know that I could, and I would probably Google it to find the answer. So far, though, I just don’t care. Sometimes we are asked, “What do gay men do when they have sex? ” If you really want to know, you can; it is know-able. Willful Ignorance Willful ignorance is the attempt to avoid clear and available knowledge, especially when that knowledge might lead to undesirable consequences. Examples would include questions about global warming and evolution. That’s why I didn’t know I was gay until I was 40. Carse says “beliefs” are based upon willful ignorance. Often, one voice speaks for all with dogmatic certainty, alleging to have definitive answers. It restricts thought to narrow boundaries and discourages discourse. I once went to a church where the preacher was speaking about the story of Jonah and the fish. (He had already established with dogmatic certainty that it was a fish, not a whale. ) He then said, “And, if you do not believe that Jonah could reach out and touch the insides of the belly of that fish, you are not a Christian.” No room for questioning or invitation to discussion. Carse says that beliefs are fervently held and encourage hostility toward non- believers. Think: Crusades. Think: George Bush, “Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.” If you do not agree with us, you are our enemy. “Homosexuality is an abomination” is another example. Believers construct an identity, erect boundaries, become locked into conflict rather than dialogue, and foster aggression toward those who think differently. To be balanced and fair, to say that anyone who does not support gay rights is “homophobic” does precisely the same thing. It is a label used by self- identified gay people which sets a boundary and fosters conflict. It labels “the others” as suffering from a neurosis. Isn’t that the same thing that gay people objected to when they were called sick and perverted? Before I accepted being gay, I partitioned off any same sex attractions. Like me, many who come out as older men use willful ignorance as a way of avoiding both the perceived and real consequences of accepting this knowledge. Higher Ignorance Higher ignorance is seeking knowledge while at the same time recognizing that some truths are unknowable. It promotes contemplation, dialogue and interpretation. The research project in which I have been engaged has led to knew understandings, but it falls infinitely short of the whole truth about mature men with same sex attraction. As knowledge evolves, it raises more questions; it promotes opportunities for further discourse. Your comments are welcomed to expand our knowledge as we seek the unknowable truths.

A MEDICAL VISIT COMPANION

Quality, access, and affordability. Everyone is concerned about health care, especially those past 60. The sicker you are, the less satisfied you are with the care you receive.

Now, a new study suggests that taking a companion to visits with your physician will improve satisfaction with the care you receive. Writing in the Archives of Internal Medicine (July 14, 2008), Wolff and Roter suggest that having a companion allows even the frailest and most vulnerable to have more confidence in their doctors’ skills, to feel better about the information they receive, and to have a better relationship with their doctor.

Companions facilitated communication, recorded physician’s instructions, provided medical history, asked questions, and explained instructions to patients. In addition they offered moral support, provided transportation and handled details like appointments and paperwork. This study also suggests that the more functions the companion performed, the higher the patients’ satisfaction for the services received.

Companions most frequently included spouses and adult children or other relatives, although much less commonly friends or care providers. This presents a challenge for some gay people.

Some findings from my survey of mature men over the age of 60 with same sex attraction:

• As expected, the number having fair to poor health increased with age from 11% between 60-69 years of age to 38% for those past 80 years of age; however, half of the men above 60 reported their health as very good to excellent.

• Those perceiving their health to be a major life stress increased from 28% in the 6th decade to 50% into their 8th decade.

• In this survey, 50-60% of gay men between 60-79 years of age live alone, although, unexpectedly, this percentage decreased with increasing age.

• The number reporting having a partner increased from 44% between ages 60-69 years of age, to 75% over the age of 80, although the number of men past 80 taking the survey was small.

• Of interest is the number of men having a partner but living alone. In the younger age group, 58% reported having a partner, but living alone. This dropped to 38% for those 70-79 years, and even lower for those past 80.

• Over half of the respondents are or were married, and between 1/2 -2/3 of those having been married had children.

Many of the men who responded to this survey are quite healthy and active, and many of the respondents are or have been married and have children who might be available to accompany them to their medical appointments. (The survey did not address the degree of involvement of families). Although many have friends who have become a “family of choice,

” a significant number are in poor health, live alone, and would seem to have no one to be a medical companion. Lessons learned: As your health declines, take someone with you to your appointments with your physician. As you become older or experience failing health, maintain relationships with family or those whom you have made your family of choice. Other research has established that those who have the greatest life satisfaction are those who assertively advocate for themselves. We must however, support our community by being aware of those with great needs and limited financial and social resources. We cannot assume from any survey that it is representative of all men who experience sexual attraction to other men, and in order to keep the scope of the project within manageable bounds, women were not asked to participate.

REDUCES RISK OF HIV - THE TOLERANCE

A recently released report from Emory University suggests that where tolerance of gays is higher, the spread of HIV may be slowed.

This study http://userwww.service.emory.edu/~hmialon/Tolerance_and_HIV.pdf, by Assistant Professors of Economics Andres Francis and Hugo Mialon of Emory, has not yet been published in a peer-reviewed academic publication, but because of the potential impact of their findings on policy decisions related to current discussions about same sex unions, Emory University has decided to promote the findings in a press release http://www.emory.edu/home/news/releases/2009/06/study-links-gay-marriage-bans-to-rise-in-hiv-rate.html.

The findings suggest:

1. Where tolerance of gays is higher, HIV rates are lower
2. Where tolerance is low, there is a higher rate of men having sex with men in underground “cruisy” areas, such as parks, beaches, restrooms and other public areas
3. Levels of tolerance did not effect more formal gay establishments like gay bars, bookstores, gay restaurants and GLBT churches
4. Higher levels of tolerance are positively associated with men reporting having had male partner in the last year.

In the press release, Mialon and Francis were quoted:

“We found the effects of tolerance for gays on HIV to be statistically significant and robust – they hold up under a range of empirical models,” says Hugo Mialon, an assistant professor of economics.

“Laws on gay marriage are in flux and under debate,” added Andrew Francis, also an assistant professor of economics, citing the recent decision by the California Supreme Court to uphold a ban on same-sex marriage. “It’s a hot issue, and we are hoping that policymakers will take our findings into account.”

Francis and Mialon theorize that the explanations for this correlation may be that higher tolerance induces more low risk gay men to come out, and that tolerance may cause gay men to shift away from anonymous encounters with high-risk individuals in secret venues to less risky sexual behaviors.

Detractors are suggesting this research is nothing more than propaganda and snake oil used to encourage the “disease rich act of sodomy.”

CHARACTERS GAY

For years, there has been a buzz about the lack of LGBT representation on the TV. Of late however, there has been a growing number of gay characters portrayed on TV, especially in the circle of daytime soaps. ABC’s “All My Children” has had a lesbian wedding, and CBS has had an ongoing gay drama (including sex) on their long running “As the World Turns”.

Well, it looks like CBS has yet again stumbled into the gay ring on daytime. This time it’s on the long running Young and Restless. That’s right, Y&R’s Yani Gellman, who plays the role of Rafe, is coming out as gay.

OBVIOUS

Celebrating their one year anniversary, Obvious Magazine has selected Young and the Restless Actress Eva Marcille (for male cover) and Actor/Athlete Demarco Majors (for female cover). Their choices are to promote their ‘Reinvention’ themed issue. In just one year, Obvious Magazine has earned an impressive 100,000+ unique followers each month to their online site.

“We chose Eva and Demarco to grace our covers because they’ve made true reinventions to their lives professionally and personally. Their stories needed to be heard.” says Creative Director and Publisher, Jerris Madison. Jerris Madison was the photographic visionaire behind the covers and editorial pictorials. Super-talented hair and makeup artist Terrell Mullin created Eva’s looks for the covers. Hugely popular clothing retailer H&M exclusively provided clothing for Demarco’s entire shoot.

Eva stars in CBS’s “The Young & the Restless” as the husband stealing vixen “Tyra” and also has a recurring role on TBS’s “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne,” in which she stars opposite her fiance, the amazing actor Lance Gross. Eva is also known as, America’s Next Top Model Season 3 winner. You can watch the behind-the-scene footage of her cover shoot on TV One’s reality show, ‘Life After’.

Demarco is Evansville, Indiana born basketball player who shares his life and intense athleticism on the court in LOGO’s reality series Shirts & Skins, formerly known as Rockdogs and just finished wrapping Off-Broadway play, ‘RAW’.

Obvious Magazine empowers and motivates the man and woman seeking self-gratification. Our mission is to lift up people and that the first fundamental of that mission is a belief in people. People have value.

Factual information is absolutely of the highest importance, even with the smallest things. Obvious offers unbiased expert opinions both professionally and personally. How-to relationship advice to understand the opposite sex’s psyche to build a better relationship. Lifestyle and fashion will be an addition to our purpose and your desires.

Obvious Magazine is web-zine. Print version will be available in January 2010. Once in print, OBVIOUS will be a full-sized, flip-magazine book (female version on one side, male on the other) targeted to both sexes for national distribution.

To view the entire editorial of Eva Marcille and Demarco Majors, please kindly visit: www.obviousmag.com.

WHAT IS DOMA?

The Defense of Marriage Act, also known as DOMA, is a law dictating that federal benefits and protections that normally apply to married couples are taken away if the spouses are of the same sex. Even if a state chooses to legalize gay marriage, same-sex couples are left in the cold when it comes to federal rights such as Social Security, employment benefits and veteran’s benefits.

IS GAY FOR PAY A SIN?

Ugh! I am always searching for interesting articles on “gay for pay” and I came across the following question on Yahoo Answers – Is Gay For Pay A Sin? The question also gave a decent definition of gay for pay – “Gay-for-pay is a term used more commonly with male (and, less frequently, female) actors, pornographic stars, or sex workers that identify as heterosexual but are paid to act or perform gay professionally.” It was the reply that made me go what the fuck. It was a simple yes.

Mr GAY WORLD

Mission statement The primary purpose of the Mr. Gay World (MGW) is to identify leaders who will take responsibility of being a spokesperson not only in his own community but on a global stage speaking out for equal and human rights. MGW is a positive role model and will work on humanizing being gay in the media both queer and mainstream.

Competition The Mr. Gay World Competition is a 4-day, indoor/outdoor series of events to help our judges identify a strong spokesman or Ambassador to tell the world about our mission. The Competition includes athletic tests and extensive interviews with our panel of judges. Judging points are based on a diverse set of criteria including qualities in charisma, leadership, personality, appearance and communication.

Organization The Mr. Gay World competition is based on an open and transparent cooperation between producers worldwide. Regional producers are responsible for selecting which delegates will represent their region as the best possible spokesperson for local culture, ideas and equal and human right challenges. All the regional producers work in collaboration with the Executive Committee and sit on the Board of Directors of Mr. Gay World with specific portfolios of responsibility therefore ensuring a truly global reach.

Delegates Each year the Executive Committee will consult with the board of directors to determine the total number of delegates to participate in the world competition, and number of delegates from each region. The assignment of Delegate quotas per Region for 2009 is as follows: • Africa 2 • Asia 4 • America, South, Central and Caribbean 6 • America and North 3 • Europe including Russia and Middle East 7 • Oceania 2

GAY MEANS RUBBISH - SAYS BBC

THE word “gay” now means “rubbish” in modern playground-speak and need not be offensive to homosexuals, the BBC Board of Governors has ruled.

A listener complained after Chris Moyles dismissed a ringtone by saying on his Radio 1 breakfast show: “I don’t want that one, it’s gay.”

The complainant argued that the use of the word gay in this context was homophobic. The governors said, however, that Moyles was simply keeping up with developments in English usage.

The programme complaints committee noted: “The word ‘gay’, in addition to being used to mean ‘homosexual’ or ‘carefree’, was often now used to mean ‘lame’ or ‘rubbish’. This is a widespread current usage of the word amongst young people.”

The committee, which consists of five BBC governors, including the former Royal Ballet dancer Deborah Bull, was “familiar with hearing this word in this context”.

Given Moyles’s target audience of young listeners “it was to be expected that he would use expressions and words which the listeners used themselves”.

The governors believed that, in describing a ringtone as gay, the DJ was conveying that he thought it was “rubbish” rather than “homosexual”. Moyles was not being homophobic, they said.

The panel acknowledged, however, that this use of the word “gay” in a derogatory sense could cause offence to some listeners and counselled caution on its use. Radio 1 was, however, correct to cancel future interviews with the American rap star Jayceon Taylor — known as The Game — after he called gay men “faggots” during a live interview. The presenter Jo Whiley showed “courage and presence of mind” by making an instant full apology, the panel ruled.

The governors also cleared The Catherine Tate Show over a complaint that an effeminate character in the sketch show was offensive. The humour derives from Derek Faye’s outraged reaction at the widespread assumption that he is gay. The complainant took offence that the viewers were invited to laugh at the character’s obvious gayness.

The committee said that the series was dominated by extreme, ridiculous characters who were “not meant to be taken literally or too seriously”. The BBC Two audience would not have found the sketches offensive.

However, BBC commentators should have apologised promptly to viewers after an outburst of swearing from Tim Henman during a Wimbledon match at teatime against the Russian Dmitry Tursunov.

The committee noted that, of four possible instances of offensive language during the match, two were impossible to decipher and may not have been swear words; one was a clear use of the “f” word, and the other a use of the word “arse”.

Given Henman’s previous good character, the committee agreed that there had been no reason to suppose beforehand that the British tennis player would have used any offensive language during a live broadcast.

A complainant had accused the BBC of a “serious disregard for broadcasting rules and regulations”, but the corporation’s committee said that viewers would not want pre-watershed sport to be subject to a time delay, despite the occasional risk of foul language.

HOW BRIGHT BECAME DULL

Believed to derive from Old French “gai”, the Latin “gaius” or a Germanic source. Originally meant “carefree”, “happy” or “bright and showy” From late 17th century acquired sexual connotation of “uninhibited by moral constraints” Gertrude Stein’s Miss Furr & Miss Skeene (1922) cited as first published reference to ambiguous sexuality Noel Coward pens tribute to dandies of the “gay Nineties” wearing green carnations in 1929 musical Bitter Sweet Used to describe foppish dress code, unattached men or bachelors until adopted by homosexuals themselves in 1960s Originally used as an adjective (“he is gay”), the word is adopted as singular noun (“I am the only gay in the village”) Children and students use gay as shorthand for “rubbish” during 1990s. Bloggers substitute “gay” for “boring” or “dull”, reversing original meaning.