INTERGENERATIONAL GAY RELATIONSHIPS

Different, but not deficient. I recently had an opportunity to discuss with several men the issue of the relationships of younger gay men with older gay men. Although a rather small group of men, some of their insights were quite interesting, and their experiences were quite similar. These younger men expressed they had always had an attraction to men who are significantly older than they are. One said, that even as a teen, he not only knew that he was gay, but he also recognized that the men he was attracted to were much older. He said that his gay friends could not understand this attraction. He not only felt “different” because he was gay, but different from his gay friends as well. He felt a sense of isolation, even within the gay community. He also experienced a sense of rejection from the older men, who felt that he must be a “hustler,

” someone who could only be interested in them for what they might give him. They doubted that his attraction was sincere. Even when older, more successful and independent, his motivations were questioned. He said that much of his joy in the relationship was caring for the older man, in sexual and other ways, and not the reverse; he felt quite comfortable with his ability to take care of himself. As he got older, he continued to be interested in older men. Now past 60, he continues to be attracted to men much older. Another man of 65 expressed the same thing, saying with a laugh he’s attracted to men “just on the edge of entering the nursing home. ” Several of the younger men said that they only began to feel “normal” when they realized there were lots of other gay men who experienced this same inter- generational attraction. Some of the older men found these young men attractive, but doubted the interest of the younger man because they believed that at their age they could no longer be attractive to anyone. How easily we buy into stereotypes and resist letting go of them. We believe that what is true for one must be true of all. We don’t choose whom we fall in love with, nor can we ever explain it. What is true of some is only true for some, not all. Feeling normal often begins by finding others who are like us, and that we’re different, but not deficient.

DIRTY MEN

In the popular culture, mature gay men are characterized as anxious and depressed, lonely and isolated, over-

sexed, and predatory of the young but rejected by them. These stereotypes persist even though repeatedly shown to be inaccurate. Several models for “coming out” have been described. Most start with an early sense of “difference. ” Next is experimentation with man on man sex, although initially considered “just sex,” not homosexual sex. The next step is coming out, i.e. public acknowledgement of being gay. This stage has become politicized so that some consider remaining closeted as ignorant, morally weak and shameful. Where these models become problematic, is that they suggest that the final stage of “stabilization/ commitment” can not occur with out public acknowledgement of one’s homosexuality. On the contrary, I have found that many men who are “passing” in the heterosexual world have made strong commitments in same sex relationships and do not wish to be part of “the gay scene.” For many mature men, the process of coming out, when it occurs at all, is much different. For example, men who have been married often begin to come out on average 10 years later than men who have never been married. Gay men have been described as: Stereotypical - closeted Passing - partitioning off their homosexual and heterosexual lives Affirmative - strong self-identification as gay This suggests that the only acceptable solution is to have a strong and public self-identification as being gay. Many mature men have careers and families in which oppression and threat of loss are considerable. Passing is adaptive and critical to avoid great loss, often real, sometimes imagined. Many have found that their sexual orientation was not central to their core self- identification. Although men as they grow older often have stronger self- identification as homosexual, they may prefer not to be referred to as gay. One man said to me, “I can’t be gay! I love my family and sports too much.” Research that focuses on “gay” men has excluded many men who have same sex attractions and sexual behaviors. Although the sense of difference and experimentation with homosexual behaviors appear to be a part of most gay men’s lives, it seems to me that the next stage in development is to de- construct the internal myths about homosexuality by a conscious re-evaluation of those values given to us by family, religion and society. Then one can re-construct a value system, internally based, on a much more personal choice of what it means, as Erickson described, to have an inherent sense of goodness and a life which is perceived as meaningful. Once that process is complete, a man can open himself to a committed relationship with another man. Gay society and society at large must recognize that there is not one normative life course. What is true about all mature men who experience a sexual attraction toward other men, is that there is nothing true about all of them.

WILLFULL IGNORANCE

“How could you not know that you were gay until you were 40!

” I’m asked this question frequently, particularly by disbelieving men who have “always known.” But I was totally ignorant. James P. Carse, in The Religious Case against Belief, describes three kinds of ignorance: Ordinary Ignorance Willful Ignorance Higher Ignorance Ordinary Ignorance Ordinary ignorance is a lack of knowledge, and is common to all of us. It is knowledge about something which could be known, but may be of little use or interest. For example, “Where was the hottest recorded temperature in the world? ” If I wanted to know that I could, and I would probably Google it to find the answer. So far, though, I just don’t care. Sometimes we are asked, “What do gay men do when they have sex? ” If you really want to know, you can; it is know-able. Willful Ignorance Willful ignorance is the attempt to avoid clear and available knowledge, especially when that knowledge might lead to undesirable consequences. Examples would include questions about global warming and evolution. That’s why I didn’t know I was gay until I was 40. Carse says “beliefs” are based upon willful ignorance. Often, one voice speaks for all with dogmatic certainty, alleging to have definitive answers. It restricts thought to narrow boundaries and discourages discourse. I once went to a church where the preacher was speaking about the story of Jonah and the fish. (He had already established with dogmatic certainty that it was a fish, not a whale. ) He then said, “And, if you do not believe that Jonah could reach out and touch the insides of the belly of that fish, you are not a Christian.” No room for questioning or invitation to discussion. Carse says that beliefs are fervently held and encourage hostility toward non- believers. Think: Crusades. Think: George Bush, “Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.” If you do not agree with us, you are our enemy. “Homosexuality is an abomination” is another example. Believers construct an identity, erect boundaries, become locked into conflict rather than dialogue, and foster aggression toward those who think differently. To be balanced and fair, to say that anyone who does not support gay rights is “homophobic” does precisely the same thing. It is a label used by self- identified gay people which sets a boundary and fosters conflict. It labels “the others” as suffering from a neurosis. Isn’t that the same thing that gay people objected to when they were called sick and perverted? Before I accepted being gay, I partitioned off any same sex attractions. Like me, many who come out as older men use willful ignorance as a way of avoiding both the perceived and real consequences of accepting this knowledge. Higher Ignorance Higher ignorance is seeking knowledge while at the same time recognizing that some truths are unknowable. It promotes contemplation, dialogue and interpretation. The research project in which I have been engaged has led to knew understandings, but it falls infinitely short of the whole truth about mature men with same sex attraction. As knowledge evolves, it raises more questions; it promotes opportunities for further discourse. Your comments are welcomed to expand our knowledge as we seek the unknowable truths.